


Regretful Shame (take it away)

by Unquiet_Words



Category: Naruto
Genre: Developing Relationship, Founders Era, Guilt, M/M, Secret Relationship, Some Fluff
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-28
Updated: 2018-12-28
Packaged: 2019-09-28 17:39:51
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,302
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17187437
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Unquiet_Words/pseuds/Unquiet_Words
Summary: "Why should it matter to them who I love?”





	Regretful Shame (take it away)

“Tobira, wait!”

“Stop following me.”

It was a useless request, Hashirama’s steps not even stuttering at his words. His brother was far too thick-headed to ever listen, rushing after him through the quiet house, footfalls heavy on the wood as he tried to block his path.

“We have to talk about this eventually.”

“No, we don’t.” Tobirama ducked to the side, still fumbling with the ties of his shirt. There was no way he was going to discuss  _this_  - just the simple fact that their late-night visitations were more than familial made his heart ache, guilt and the useless twinges of hope fighting each other in his chest.

His escape was stopped by a firm grip on his forearm, halted only a few steps away from the front door.

“Tobira, this has been going on for  _months_  now. I wanna talk about it, talk about  _us_ -”

“There is no-” He bit his tongue, unable and unwilling to finish the thought. It would be a lie, and a cutting one at that. Not even he was cold enough to say such a thing.

But  _knowing_  it wasn’t a lie left him sick with shame - and being ashamed of being with someone as caring and gentle and worthy as his brother left him feeling even worse. The two warring sides had him tugging harsh at his hair, staring longingly at the door just out of reach. “Neither of us is drunk enough for this conversation.” A flash of memory, Hashirama drunk and overly affectionate at the last New Years celebration, had him wincing, retracting the statement as soon as it had left him. “Never mind. Just me.  _I’m_  not drunk enough for this. There isn’t enough alcohol in Hi no Kuni to  _get_  me drunk enough either.”

He was rambling. He knew that, but couldn’t stop. Hashirama and his ever-insistent need to discuss their  _feelings_  always left him nervous and flustered - how he wanted to talk about their meetings, what they were doing,  _what they were_ , only made it worse.

At least with his mouth racing he could ignore how his heart had migrated, sticking itself to the inside of his throat, thoughts running amok to keep up with the mess of emotions rushing through him (fear, guilt, hope, shame, happy, nervous, love, free, self-loathing - he  _hated_  that he felt so much, didn’t know how to handle the overwhelming mess of his private life).

“Otouto.” The endearment put a stop to his mumbled rantings, eyes still fixed on a particular dark spot on the door, tempting himself to escape. A light tug on his arm made the temptation less appealing to the more treacherous side of his heart. “Please, look at me.”

He didn’t want to. It would only make it even harder to leave. But he couldn’t ignore that tone, the soft sadness, gentle pleading in place of the typical idiotic joy that colored his brother so bright.

As he shifted, tilting his head just enough to not be looking away, a warm hand found his face, the rough pad of a calloused thumb caressing his cheek. “You know I love you, right?”

He tried to pull away. “Anija, please-”

“No, just- just  _listen_  to me. If you can’t talk, then just listen.” Hashirama paused, doing his best to catch his eyes. When Tobirama refused to meet his gaze, he continued on with a sigh. “We can’t keep going on like this. I don’t have the heart for it, otouto. I  _love_  you, and I want to be able to do so properly. Not just sneaking off to fuck and-”

“ _Anija_!” Tobirama jerked away, aware of the embarrassed horror spreading red up to his ears. How could he say such a thing so casually?

“There’s nothing to be embarrassed about, otouto.”

Tobirama shook his head in disbelief, finally turning wide eyes on the older man. “Have you forgotten,  _Anija_ , that we’re  _brothers_?”

Honest confusion had Hashirama scratching at his head, misplacing his already disheveled hair even further. “No?”

Even with his extensive knowledge of several languages, he had not the words to describe how little sense his brother was making. Instead of trying, Tobirama opted to stare at him, purposely overlooking his kiss-swollen lips and the blooming marks he’d placed on his neck and collarbone.

“Tobira, are you...” A small spark of realization in those carob-brown eyes had Tobirama looking away, not willing to witness whatever horror was sure to follow. “Are you ashamed of us?”

He couldn’t bring himself to answer. Nothing in the world could make him hurt his brother in such a way. But remaining silent would be so much worse. Shifting his weight did nothing to ease his rolling stomach, and no matter how he told himself not to he couldn’t help but lean ever so slightly into the warm hand once again cupping his cheek. “We’re  _brothers_ , Hashirama.”

Hashirama released his arm, framing his face with both hands and resting their foreheads together, whispering low in the soft morning light peeking through the curtains. “I don’t see how that’s something to be ashamed of.”

“How can you not? If someone found out, they would surely- we’d be-”

Panic from just the thought had his voice pitched higher, but Hashirama cut him off, his own voice gentle, calming.

“Then they would know I love you.” His smile softened the edge of his eyes, the tips of their noses brushing as he spoke. “How would that be a bad thing?”

“Anija, you’re the  _hokage_. You have an image to maintain.” It went unsaid how easily a discovery would destroy that image. If even a word of their private  _dealings_  got out...

Hashirama would be ruined. It would be his fault. And nothing he could ever do would fix it.

“Why should it matter to them who I love?” Knowing well over a dozen reasons just off the top of his head, he tried to answer, only to be cut off once more before he could speak. “Otouto,  _I love you_. No one and nothing could ever make me regret that.”

Tobirama would never admit how hard it was to breathe after hearing those words. He inched closer, moving to lean his head against a strong shoulder, hiding the unwelcome moisture invading his eyes and doing his best to will it away.

Had they truly grown up in the same world? Fought the same war, suffered through the same abusive upbringing? How had his brother remained so  _pure_ , so untouched by the horrors that raged on around them?

The world didn’t deserve him.  _He_  didn’t deserve him, broken and jaded as he was, unable to return such untainted love.

Maybe it was selfish of him, then, to want his brother anyway. To want to keep him for himself, clutch him tight to his chest and never let go.

And yet he’d never once told him how he felt.

Hashirama deserved to know.

It took long minutes of silence, nose pressed against tan skin, lungs filled with the rich scent of earth and salt as Hashirama held him close, nuzzling into his hair. But finally, he managed to force back the instinctual panic at his confession, words whispered into the loose collar of his brother’s yukata. “I love you, too.”

Before regret had a chance to taint the moment, he found his brother’s lips, melting into a slow rhythm as they pulled each other even closer. Maybe they felt forced now, guilt and shame no doubt waiting to eat at his gut, but he’d never spoken anything truer in all his life.

It might take a while, coming to terms with what they were, but Hashirama had always been a patient man, even more so with his precious little brother. With any luck, his patience for him wouldn’t run out anytime soon.

**Author's Note:**

> Far more dialog based than I usually write. Which is just _great_ , because dialog is probably my weakest writing skill >.>
> 
> Prompt: “Neither of us is drunk enough for this conversation.”


End file.
